Chronic Flabby Syndrome

I know I should reserve my worrying for the important things in life (don’t sweat the small stuff and all that) but my mind can be a shallow place and inevitably it ends up back at my favourite worry: my jelly belly.

Oh how I admire those people that are comfortable in their own skin. And by this I don’t mean the beautiful people (I’m just jealous of those), I mean the people who embrace and love themselves just the way they are, whatever shape and size they happen to be.

I was watching a programme on Beth Ditto the other day. I don’t think it would be rude to say that Beth is a large lady, yet it appears that this doesn’t bother her in the slightest. Me, I am in daily battle with my body image. In one corner we have: love yourself the way you are (you really ain’t that bad). And in the other corner we have: come on if you worked harder you could have the body that you wanted.

Part of me is proud of my body. It has been through a lot and it keeps fighting. And I have worked hard to not put on weight whilst I’ve been unwell. No mean feat if you clock up the hours I have lied on the metabolism slowing sofa in the last six years. I would look at someone else in my situation and say how well they had done. But as usual, not that kind to myself.

But the bigger part of me is fed up with the general sagginess situation (saggy bum, jelly belly, slight bingo wings - although nothing too severe - and chubby knees are the main problem areas!) Yes, it’s great that I am still a size 10 but it’s not so great that it all wobbles around so much.

And I LOVE exercise. Before all this M.E. nonsense I was a gym bunny. During the last six years I have desperately tried to keep exercise in my life. And if there is a whiff of energy I am optimistically in my trainers planning my fitness come back. (This is not the first time I have spoken about this topic and I’m sure it won’t be the last. Newcomers may want to read 'I want Gwyneth Paltrow’s Legs. NOW!') But every time I feel like I am moving forward with my exercise programme Mr M.E. comes back and I am back to dreaming about the slendertone sofa.

Over the last few months I have generally been feeling quite a lot better and I really thought I was making a dent on the wobbliness scale. I have been sensible. Building up my exercise programme slowly and I was confident I was on my way to being stronger and fitter.

Then 3 weeks ago everything went belly (ha ha) up – again. Due to the invasion of Mr Cold followed by Mr M.E. I have struggled to do very much over the last few weeks. My jeans already feel tighter and my weight mood is that of a sulky teenager who is not allowed to see her boyfriend.

In desperation to hold on to some form of an exercise routine I have been dragging myself off the sofa to do small amounts of yoga and toning exercises, and going for small walks - trying to convince myself that every little helps. Well, that’s obviously a lie as my belly is growing daily.

To the outside world I am ‘slim’. But I am a clever dresser. I am practically Gok Wan when it comes to disguising the bits I don’t want you to see; I know exactly what to wear to hide the muffin top.

And as most of my life is spent clothed, it begs the question who am I doing this for? It’s not for friends. They don’t care. They’re too busy worrying about their own wobbly bits. It’s not for Husband. He loves me just the way I am – ahh. It’s for me and me only. I just want to have a body I like. Not a perfect one. Just one that is more toned. And I am prepared to put in the work. I really am. But when the energy ain’t flowing it’s pretty hard to go for a power walk or do aerobics or a 90 minute yoga class.

Interestingly, I don’t feel like this about my face. It’s not that I don’t see the imperfections - there are plenty - but I find it easier to accept. I think because it feels like there is less control over how my face looks. It is the way God made me (and I certainly would not entertain the idea of plastic surgery). With my body there is always a feeling that if I worked hard enough I could have Jennifer Anniston’s body (aim high people).

I think I am coming out of my dip. Albeit slowly. The last couple of days I have been able to walk further. and I managed 20 minutes of yoga this morning. Every night I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be the day. Well, it wasn’t today. But it might be tomorrow. Trainers get ready, I am coming to get you!

How do you feel about your body? Love it? Hate it? Accept it? Don’t really think about it? Would love to hear your thoughts.

If you like this post please make this flabby chick very happy by sharing it to Facebook or Twitter...xx

Please note. I know the relationship between M.E. and exercise is controversial. This is just my approach and experience. I promise I am careful and I only do what my body can handle.