A classic case of denial

I lied. Not intentionally. But as part of my favourite game with myself: ‘how I would like to be!’

Over the last few months I have known that Husband was going to take a new job which would mean he would be away a lot. I said to Husband, to myself, to everyone, I was totally cool with this. I am after all a strong, independent woman, not a needy wife - right?

I want to be part of a couple who still each have a strong sense of self. I don’t want us to live in each other’s pockets and end up having nothing to talk about. I want us to be bound by inspiration and excitement not dullness and routine.

I admire his sense of adventure

And I am used to Husband going away. He did some travelling with his previous job and he is often away for pleasure. And this sense of adventure is one of the many things I love about him. If he has spare time, it is not spent lounging around at home (well, there’s no room on the sofa for a start) he is off doing something. Got a day off and nothing planned, fly to Dublin for the day. Got a month between contracts, go and practice your Spanish travelling round Spain for a month. You get the idea.

We have never let the M.E. get in the way of this. If I haven’t been well enough to join him on said adventure he has gone anyway. And I have always supported this. I may not have chosen to be ill but Husband didn’t choose to have an ill wife either. I have tried very hard to make it easy for him to carry on living his life. (A resentful husband is not after all so inclined to be a supportive one, so really I am just thinking of myself!)

Good at being alone

And I like my own company. When you have lived with a chronic illness you get good at spending time on your own. Even with a fantastic husband, friends and family there is a lot of alone time. Life around you doesn’t stop just because yours has slowed down.

Then there are the perks of being home alone: the lighter laundry basket, the tidy apartment, being in charge of the remote control, sleeping star shaped.

So when Husband set off with his wheelie case last Sunday afternoon for the week, I was relaxed about it. Well, I thought I was - until the tears started. Oh, I thought. I am going to miss my husband!

My fantasy life

In my fantasy life, Husband being away means I get to explore new and exciting activities. I waltz off to Spanish or Zumba, I go off to the theatre and art galleries with girlfriends, meet friends for a glass of wine, rustle up tasty meals for one whilst listening to Radio 4, read more; just generally become a more interesting person. In reality - even though I am a lot better than I was - by the time 6 pm comes round, I’m not much good for anything apart from lounging on the sofa watching trashy television.

Also - and what seemed to surprise me - I missed my husband. Yes, it is lush to get a good night’s sleep (because the snoring monster also seemed to be away). But we have a lovely relationship - and we still have plenty to talk about over dinner.

And this situation feels very permanent. When he’s been away before it’s been a temporary arrangement. This time it feels like a lifestyle change. And the reality of this has just dawned on me.

But being a teenager again is fun

But as I got ready for him to come back on Friday, I felt like an excited teenager. The weekend felt like a romantic get away. Our time together felt wonderfully precious. And that can’t be a bad thing can it? So at 6 pm every Friday I will be doing my best not to be a sofa goddess and to just be a goddess.

And we may not have too move

Oh and there is a potentially massive upside to all this travel. We may not have to move. If Husband ends up travelling this much most weeks, it won’t make any sense for us to up root. We’re going to see how it pans out over the next few weeks but for now moving is on hold. (Yes Bezzy Mate, you are allowed to have your fingers crossed.)

What are you in denial about? Go on confess to your blogging friends...

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