The F Factor

I haven’t had a ‘normal’ social life since I met Mr M.E. He can be very controlling and doesn't always let me see other people. (I know, I should leave him.)

I have lost count of the number of family parties, friend’s birthdays, special occasions, weddings, New Years Eve celebrations and so on, that I have not been able to go to. Most of the time I don’t worry about it too much; I focus on what I can do – meeting friends for coffee, going out for lunch, seeing family if it is carefully planned, going to the theatre if it’s in the afternoon. And I celebrate that - usually - I can do more now than I could a year ago.

But sometimes I get a reminder that I am missing out and it feels like a slap round the face. I am currently planning what to do for my 40th in January. (Cue loud gasps of shock please.) I’ve always thought I would be better by the time I was 40 and I’d have a big party to celebrate. But unless a miracle happens – which I am always open to! – this isn’t going to be the case. I am organising a swanky lunch but if I’m honest, it feels like a compromise.

And in the last few weeks I’ve missed out on quite a few plans because the M.E. Monster has had me pinned to the sofa (and not in a good way!) And it hurts. I miss being part of things. I miss feeling connected to people. I miss my friends. (And Husband is away a lot at the moment so I think that’s making me more aware of the situation.)

So despite my careful planning to have a mini life, when Mr M.E. has other ideas, the week can get lonely. Sometimes I can get to the end of the week and the only person I’ve seen is my husband (and the barista in Starbucks – does he count as a friend?) And as wonderful as my husband is he is not enough.

I do my best to keep in touch with everyone by email and text but time slips away and you suddenly realise that it’s 6 years since you saw your friends from University because they are too far away to see easily; or you haven’t been out in the evening for over a year; or that you’ve never spent Christmas with your husband’s family because it’s too much; or that you really would like to get to know your brother’s girlfriend better but they live too far away and it’s just not practical.

You get used to saying no: No to parties; no to anything after 6 pm; no to anything that involves travelling too far in one day.

And of course people stop inviting you. Not because they don’t want you there (of course they want me there!) but because they know you won’t be able to go. You are no longer part of the core group. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just an inevitable outcome of the situation.

I have tried to build an alternative social life for myself; one that involves meeting friends during the day. Lunch is the new Saturday night you know. Ordinarily this mini social life is enough to keep me from feeling isolated. But I wasn’t well enough to go out and be fabulous with my girl friends for a posh lunch on Saturday and this has stung (especially as I organised it!) And I am very sad that I had to say no to my friend’s baby’s christening on Sunday because it was too far away.

I know I am lucky that I have some wonderful people in my life, even if I don’t get to see them as much as I would like. And my friends are generally very supportive about the whole M.E. thing and have found a new place for me. I am 'the lady wot lunches'. They understand that I have limitations and they are sympathetic when I have to cancel. But inevitably I am not part of the main event anymore. I am now a small part of people’s lives because after 6 years the Karen gap has been filled.

I cherish the fact that I have two people in my life who have kept me as their main event: My husband and my best friend. Yes, they miss being able to have proper nights out with me but they make the most of me at other times. Bezzy Mate and I have long lunches on Saturdays and even drink wine. (I know wild.) And Husband and I always try to do something together on a Sunday.

But counting your blessings doesn’t always stop you from feeling sad for what you can’t do. And I am sad for all the occasions that I wanted to be part of but couldn’t be; I am sad that I feel disconnected from people; I am sad that I have lost my place on the social calendar.

Maybe I will have a Blog Party for my 40th – you can all send me really expensive presents and we can sip champagne on our sofas in glamorous at home outfits.

How do you feel about your social life? Do you flit from one wild party to another?! Do you feel connected to people? Would love to hear your thoughts....x