Dear Santa...

I used to ask you for sparkly and unnecessary presents. My life was so full of wonderfulness, that I didn’t need anything else. I had the career girl's dream lifestyle: a demanding job, studied a Masters part time, a city centre apartment, an energetic exercise habit, a great group of friends, money to enjoy fabulous clothes, holidays, weekends away, and an extravagant social life. Yes, I was very privileged. And then I got even luckier and met a wonderful man. Life was GOOD. Christmas presents were the icing on an already VERY pretty cake.

Then EVERYTHING changed. For the first couple of years of being unwell, all I could think about was getting my old life back. My whole identity was wrapped up in my career. I couldn’t adjust; I didn’t feel like Karen without my job. As far as I was concerned I wasn’t achieving anything with my life. My benchmark of recovery was to get back everything that I had lost. All I wanted was my career, gift wrapped with a big bow. My sparkly gift of choice became ‘life back please’

But human beings are adaptable and as time has gone on my dreams and aspirations have changed. Six years is a long time to be out of the 'game'; I can’t even really remember what it is like to go to work. I look back at my old life and wonder how I did it. I was always on the go, flitting between pushing myself at work, to pushing myself in the gym, or pushing myself in my Masters. (Yes, those wise ones amongst you are thinking it is maybe not that surprising that I was vulnerable to M.E. And you may well be right.) I just can’t imagine my life like that now. I am exhausted just thinking about it!

I have also accepted that - even if I wanted to - I can’t go from where I am now back to this type of life overnight. There is no choice but to take baby steps. It has taken me a long time to accept this. I have tried many treatments over the last six years. Some have given me flickers of hope and there have been periods when I have had increased energy and I would enthusiastically start planning my return to 'normal' life. I remember when I came back from the Lightning Process a few years ago, I’d only been back a day and I started job hunting. When I did the follow up with my practitioner she was very amused by this. She said she’d never had a client that was so keen to get back to work! (Type As really are a danger to themselves.) But after several cycles of hope and crash, I have HAD to adopt a more sensible approach to recovery.

Over the last year I have been feeling a lot better. Yes, there have been dips but overall I am much stronger. I am doing more interesting things with my time and I am more at peace with my life taking a different direction. In fact, I don't aspire to have my old life back anymore; I am excited about exploring new avenues and I feel privileged to have this opportunity to try out new activities - such as writing - that I may never have got the chance to explore if I was still in the 'rat race'.

Of course, I will continue to work on my recovery because I do believe I CAN get fully better; I have had periods this year when my body has been pretty strong so I know I can do it. (Ya listening body?!) I hold onto those periods in my mind - like when we were in Marrakesh or Scotland, or I've been out for long lunches with my best friend, or I've managed my favourite yoga class - and I have felt so well. They are my blue prints for what is possible.

I will continue to nurture this belief in recovery because I know it is a key part of not being self limiting or accepting a certain level of ‘wellness’. And belief needs nurturing and encouraging; it can get knocked by off days or the negativity that can exist around this illness. I need to stay inspired and positive to give myself the best possible shot at recovery.

And I will carry on doing everything within my power to get better. I know if I take good care of myself (good diet, yoga, gentle exercise, hypnotherapy, meditation, trying not to run before I can walk, having fun) my body has the best chance of healing itself.

So Santa, this year I would like to ask you for a big selection box of strength, determination, self belief and most importantly, some baby steps - and I promise not to use them all at once! (And if husband also INSISTS on buying me something sparkly. Well, hey...)

What would you like to ask Santa for? I have it on very good authority that Santa will read any comments left here!

Lots of Christmas love to all my blogging friends. And extra love to all those that are bed bound and housebound and unable to join in the festive celebrations....xx