An emotional goodbye

This is my last week of being a 30 something. *Sob* I can’t believe it. Even though clearly it is not a surprise to me - and happens to everyone! - I still don’t appear to be ready. When I was a twenty something life seemed endless and 40 year olds seemed ancient. And now I am about to be one them. *More sobs*

I am not sure when I started realising that life is not endless and time is precious. Having health challenges put the ball in motion; before that I had never really experienced big unexpected wrong turns in life. Then as I headed towards my late 30’s I started thinking about life and death. Oh, I will die. Oh, time is not to be wasted. Oh, probably best if I try and make the most of every day...and so on.

Over the last few months I have definitely wobbled over turning 40; my life is not where I thought it would be (whose is?); I don’t like those wrinkles round my eyes (which are only going to get worse...); I am half way - what have I achieved? Blah. Blah. Blah.

I know I am not alone in this wobbling; I have watched friends struggle with turning 40. Our culture doesn’t help that’s for sure. Why do we make such a big deal out of the end of decade birthdays? No one says to you what are you doing for your 39th birthday? But EVERYONE says what are you doing for you 40th? Then it is referred to as the 'Big 4-0-.' What’s that all about? All the fuss practically forces you into assessing where your life is. And if you stop to think about it, of course you are going to wobble.

I’ve been here before; I wobbled at my 30th. I didn’t think I had achieved everything I SHOULD have done by the time I was 30. So it’s good to know 10 years on I’m having similar thoughts...ha ha, so much wisdom gained in those 10 years. But something has shifted in the last few weeks and I am no longer dreading it. And I have gone from being unsure if I wanted to celebrate my birthday to planning four different celebrations.

The shift started with my latest hypnotherapy MP3: mid life crisis. (I know, I am such a drama queen.) There is a wonderful part in the session where the hypnotherapist talks about a lady who takes up art at 78 and practices for 21 years; in other words, there are still many new things to come. I have also been looking at other people in my life who are older than me, they certainly haven’t stopped living. My parents who are still like naughty teenagers; the ladies in my yoga class who may be older but are way bendier than I am; my Nanna who is 85 and still goes to her exercise class, co ordinates her outfits and tells me she is going out kicking!

So I have gone from wobbling to embracing: I am embracing my wonderful life and accepting certain things are just the way they are; I am embracing that I will always have chubby knees, however much exercise I do; I am embracing that I will always have dark circles under my eyes because it is the way God made me; I am embracing that my Top Shop days are numbered. (Well, I’m trying to anyway: to support the embracing I have clever dressing, make up and Country Casuals to look forward to!) And more easily, I am embracing the fact that actually I am happier now than I was at 30.

Heading towards 40 has also given me a subtle kick up the bum. There is something motivating about having an awareness of the precious nature of life. Every day is to be enjoyed - even the tough days. Things that you are unhappy with are to be changed - not be put up with. Small things are to be appreciated. So with this in mind, I have a renewed focus on recovery and I am planning lots of wonderful things for this year. And we are looking for a new apartment; this may actually be the year that I get my walk in wardrobe.

And if my Nanna can be fabulous at 85 I can sure as hell be fabulous at 40. And as my friend said to me: 'it could be worse. You could be turning 50.'

How do you feel about your age? Would love to hear your thoughts...xx