If my Nanna can do it...

I would love to be able to say it is only the big things in life that stress me out; that being ill has taught me a greater sense of what is important; that I face life head on with a ballsy attitude - but that is the fantasy me. The actual me is a stress head.

I think I was probably always like this, but before CFS I could just handle it better. And also - as much as I hate admitting it - somewhere along the CFS road my confidence got knocked and things I used to take in my stride now seem like a big deal. When I was really unwell I couldn’t manage very much and just got out of practice at living a normal life. So as I get physically stronger I know I have to get my confidence mojo back too.

So that is exactly what I am doing at the moment; I am relearning to trust that my body can cope with normal activities and beginning to take life in my stride again. This is easier said than done. The trust in my body has been broken over seven years and takes time to rebuild. There is also the fact that I am not 100% well. Yes, I am a lot better but I still can’t just do what I want; I have to pace and take really good care of myself. But to move forward I have to trust what I CAN do and spend less time worrying about what I can’t do.

Trust challenge number one is our refurbishment project, a project that I would have not been able to even contemplate a couple of years ago. I had the decorators in last week to start painting the apartment. This is a major step: it's like saying to the world I know I can get up EVERY DAY by 7 am for a week; that I trust I will feel okay EVERY DAY for a week; that I can give up my very precious sofa (well during the day!) EVERY DAY for a week. I won’t lie, I was a little apprehensive. But I did it and I coped. (I made a den in my bedroom and if I needed to rest I just went in there and pretended I was very busy on my laptop.)

Then this weekend it has been my brother's wedding (congratulations Bro!) Big social events used to be a normal part of my life but now they scare me. Social lives and CFS aren't a winning combination and I just don't go to many big social events any more. And when I do I worry: I worry about being able to keep up, I worry about how long I will last before I have to make a discrete exit, I worry about whether I will actually feel okay on the day, I worry about what I will look like and how I will come across. Then there is just the sheer fact that I am socially rusty. But obviously I wasn't going to miss my brother's wedding whatever crazy stuff was going on in my head. And I did it; I was a social butterfly, working the room like a pro and looking like any normal sister at a wedding - well, until I had to leave at 8 pm! But as my Auntie said to me: “you've been here for the best bits Karen. All you’re missing now is everyone getting drunk...”

Aaahhh......

How lucky is Lauren marrying into this bunch...!

Oh and just to freak myself out even more I decided to do a speech at the wedding - in front of 100 people - and public speaking REALLY scares me. I was shaking when I stood up. What if I can’t speak without my voice wobbling? What if no one laughs? What if I look fat? What if...what if....what if...But I did it, because I am a ballsy woman - or at least a wanna be ballsy woman.

On stage. Under a spotlight. In front of 100 people. Gulp.

And then I have travelled solo to and from Edinburgh by train (with a lot of luggage and several train changes I may add). Something I would have done without thinking about before all this nonsense, but something that now feels like a big deal. I travel a lot with Husband but very rarely go out of Nottingham on my own. When I am with him there is something comforting about knowing that if you don’t feel very well there is someone else to take care of you. For me, going solo is stepping up to the trust your body plate big style.

But I know I have to man up. How else am I going to lead a normal life again? So I am facing one stress and one fear at a time, trusting that by making every day stuff seem normal again the next time I do it it will be easier and the time after that it will be even easier and before I know it I will be me again.

Oh and my Nanna who is 85 is just about to move house, is excited about her refurbishment plans (not stressed like her granddaughter) and gave a speech at the wedding that received a standing ovation. Yes, my Nanna is putting me to shame. And jeez if my Nanna can do these things without batting an eyelid I need to get a grip. A big ballsy, I am back grip.


And as I celebrate the progress that I am making I would like to take a moment to acknowledge all of those who are not so lucky. This week is M.E. Awareness Week. Many people are severely affected with this illness and fight to get the treatment they need and deserve. Please look at my amazing friend Laurel's blog if you would like to know more about what it is like to live with severe M.E.