I have always known...

One of my good friends has just had her second baby. Aahh....I know. But as much as it gives me a gooey feeling inside it does not stir up any maternal feelings. ANY.

At 40 I think I am finally ready to say out loud that I am definitely not going to have children. Of course, it’s not impossible to have a child after 40, but it’s unlikely – especially if you are not trying; and you just don’t want to be a Mum.

I have never had any maternal feelings – EVER. I don’t know why. I come from a very normal loving family. Actually more than that: my parents are childhood sweethearts who are still sickeningly in love. I have no dark reason for not wanting a family but whatever the reason is I have never wanted to have a baby.

‘Is it because you are too selfish?’ people ask. Well, there is no doubt I am selfish but this is not the reason. That would mean I had thought about wanting to have children and decided not to. Whereas in fact the truth of the matter is I just don’t want to: there is nothing to think about. I haven’t ummed and ahhed about this - I just don’t have the feeling. The feeling I know exists because I have heard people talk about it, and I have seen it in action: that overwhelming desire – or maybe need is a better word – to have a baby.

I have always said ‘I don’t think I want to have children but you obviously don’t know what’s round the corner, I may change my mind.’

When I met Husband I could see my mum hoping that I would be swayed. Not because she would ever put me under pressure to have a baby, but because she would love a grandchild. (I think brother is on the case, so looks like she will get her wish.)

But nothing changed for me when I met Husband. When I think about our future and our life together, I think about all the wonderful travelling we are going to do and the amazing adventures we are going to have, not about what kind of parents we will be.

I was 33 when I met Husband. I think when you meet at that age you openly talk about children as the biological clock is ticking. (Not that I could ever hear mine!) I was very honest about my lack of desire to have children. He said he didn’t have strong feelings either way and that the way he felt about me was more important. (Aaahhh....) So we entered marriage with no plans to start a family.

There was a slight wobble a couple of years ago when Husband started feeling broody. We talked about it - a lot - and I was scared; there wasn’t a compromise. As much as I love my husband, I knew I couldn’t have a baby for him. I would have set him free if it had come to it, accepting that the desire to be a parent is bigger than his love for me, bigger than 'us'.

But time passed and he didn’t leave. He came to terms with his decision that he was not going to pursue having children. There was no pressure from me, I knew this was something he had to figure out on his own.

I check in with him every now and again as I sometimes worry he will wake up one day and regret not being a Dad. But I trust that it is his decision to make and that he will do what is right for him.

Me, I think I have always known I wouldn’t have children. I think I just said ‘well, you never know...’ to make it easier for other people. I don’t know why I didn’t get the maternal gene. It doesn’t bother me, why would it? It’s only a problem when you desperately want a baby but can’t have one. If you don’t want something there is nothing to feel sad about.

I know we are missing out on something magical and that being a parent is an experience that brings huge joy into people's lives, but it's just not for me. So whilst I look forward to meeting my friend's baby and I watch other friend's children in amazement, it doesn't evoke any other emotion. Now get me thinking about all the wonderful places in the world we are going to visit - lots of emotion!